Am I a good mum?

A little while ago, I was chatting to one of my mummy friends about what it means to be a good mum and how I hope one day I would feel like one. It got us chatting about self-doubt and how it’s so easy to feel like you’re the only one struggling at the time. When in fact it’s probably the furthest from the truth.

goodmum

I’ve touched on this before but becoming a mummy has led me to doubt myself more than at any other time in my life. I guess being a first-time mum brings with it a whole new vulnerability – it’s completely natural for you to have no idea what you’re doing but for some reason you can feel like a failure for being that way.

I think partly it’s because looking around at the other mums they often look like they have it all together and you only notice when your own baby/ child is crying/ playing up.

Plus motherhood leads you to make so many different decisions and each time you have to make one there’s so much room for doubt. I’m a big believer that there’s no right way to “mother”. You have to make decisions that are right for you and your family. And only you (and your partner) are the ones that can make them. But the pressure when you’re making a decision for the most important thing in your life can sometimes feel a little much!

Almost a year later and I’ve started to open up more and more to a few of my closest mummy friends. And it’s clear that we are all in the same boat. Even with my nearly one year old, I still feel like I’m winging it every day. Every stage is new – weaning, teething, crawling, walking etc. – so it’s no wonder I don’t feel like a competent mummy yet. Do you ever get to a point where you feel that way I wonder?!

I look at my own mum and think of how amazing she is and how it all seems to come so naturally. But of course I never saw the early days when perhaps things weren’t as easy as they are now with 2 daughters who have grown up and fled the nest.

What I would say is the fact that EVERYONE has an opinion when you have a baby doesn’t help you to build self-confidence. I have no idea why but for some reason when women are often at their most vulnerable, people think it’s OK to judge and inflict their own (often strong) opinions on you – even strangers! And ironically, more often than not, it’s other women who have been first-time mums themselves once upon a time.

I hope that I never get to a point where I think I know better just because I’ve done it once (or even a few times). Because each person’s experience is different and each baby/ child is different too!

At the start of the year I vowed to believe in myself more. And if I’m being honest I haven’t done so well on that so far. We’ve had a raft of illnesses which seem to have set us back a bit and I’m fully aware that self-confidence isn’t something that happens overnight. But I am determined to work on it and I think the more honest I am about it is a decent starting point.

I once read that if you’re worrying about whether you’re a good mummy or not then the chances are the fact that you’re even worrying about it, means you already are one. I’m going to remind myself of this every time a bit of self-doubt creeps in and I’ll keep you posted as to how I’m getting on!

How to parent with your partner

My husband and I are one of those couples who always said we would never work with each other. We’re complete opposites, which is great for our relationship, but means we would drive each other crazy in a work environment. When we had Archie we didn’t quite anticipate how being parents would essentially mean doing a job alongside each other!! Learning how to parent with your partner is a definite skill and I’ll admit that we haven’t got it cracked just yet. But here are a few things we’ve learnt so far.

parenting

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

  1. Don’t compare who has it hardest – it’s so incredibly easy to get into the trap of doing this because, like most things, the grass often seems greener on the other side. But trust me, it’s not useful for anyone and you could probably bicker about it until the end of time. What’s more productive is accepting that you both have it hard in different ways. Parenting is always about sacrifice and compromise. So try to see it from your partner’s point of view and the things they are having to compromise, as well as your own. Clearly this only works if it’s a 2-way street so feel free to refer your partner to this post if necessary!!
  2. Don’t feel you have to do everything together – in the early days in particular, you will probably want to do every nappy change, night feed, clothes change, bath etc. together and that’s fine until you’ve got the hang of it. But once you’re both perfectly capable of doing these things it’s important to give each other a break by sharing out the load. I know it’s not always practically possible but even if it’s just letting each other have a lie in every once in a while, it will remind you that you’re not doing this on your own.
  3. Accept that they might do things differently – yes in an ideal world they’ll do everything exactly how you like it but the probability of this happening is probably close to zero! As long as they’re helping then does it really matter that it’s not in the same order as you do things? And yes it might take them 10 times as long to change a nappy, but who’s it really harming?
  4. Be kind to each other – this was something my Auntie told me was the secret to a happy marriage. Giving each other the benefit of the doubt is not easy when emotions are heightened which they often are with a baby/ child around. However, it is so important to try and see things from your partner’s perspective and remember that they might not be finding it easy either.
  5. Don’t forget to communicate – this is where my husband will be rolling his eyes because I’m particularly bad at this one when I’m feeling stressed. I often assume he knows I need help with something rather than just asking. Which means I’m usually a bit more stroppy about it when I finally get around to saying something!
  6. Make time for each other – sometimes it’s so easy to just be parents and forget about the fact you’re in a relationship with each other too. Try and get out for the occasional date night or make the most of your evenings together. Sometimes having a couple of hours without your phones is particularly helpful because then there’s no distractions (Daddy Lowe – this one’s for you!!).
  7. Be a team – Have each other’s’ backs no matter what. Agree on how you want to do certain things (discipline, routines etc.) and then stick to it. For some reason once you have a baby everyone feels they can have an opinion on EVERYTHING and they’ll let you know about it. So make sure you stick to what you and your partner agrees on in the first place. This will be particularly important when your child is old enough to play you off against each other too!

I’ll be the first to admit that the above is so much easier said than done. In fact, my husband will be laughing reading this saying “yes, you might want to listen to your own advice!” But it’s all a learning curve! So if you have any other pieces of advice, please feel free to share 🙂